8 WAYS TO AFFAIR-PROOF YOUR MARRIAGE

For those who are married and for those who are getting married

According to Peggy Vaughan, the author of "The Monogamy Myth," 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage. In other words, the person who stays monogamous within her marriage is among a growing minority.
Twelve years into my marriage, I can appreciate that statistic. Eric and I are getting to the hard part, where the pressing responsibilities of raising kids and growing two careers could easily blow apart the vows we recited on our wedding day.
Because I want my marriage to stay on the happy side of the statistics, I've gathered these tips for how to make marriage absolutely affair-proof.

1. Nurture Safe Friendships: This is the most important affair-preventer in my life.
No marriage can give you everything.
No marriage can give you everything. A husband is going to have interests that his wife will never care about like fishing, hunting, or golfing. So he's less likely to stray if he can find some good guy buddies with whom to fish, hunt, and golf.

2. Recognize the Drug: Depressives and addicts are especially prone to affairs because of the head rush that comes with infatuation. The spikes in dopamine and norepinephrine we experience upon connecting with someone new fools us into thinking that the sexy man or attractive woman at the bar holds the key to our nirvana and the end to our problems. This is the same as, say, the high from cocaine. Recognizing that that rush is not real, meaningful, or lasting, can help a married person to "just say no."

3. Keep Dating: I'm serious here. Visiting with your spouse with some regularity--just the two of you and no one else--will bring some very definite rewards to a marriage. By dating, you will learn how to talk to each other again.
In her book, "Mating in Captivity," Esther Perel urges a client to imagine her spouse as if she has just met him, to put him into that mysterious category again. This is really hard when you got a little one screaming, "Wipe me!" from the bathroom. However, when you can pull it off, I find her theory very effective.

4. Find a Creative Outlet: People get lured into emotional and physical affairs because the infatuation provides an exciting, stimulating place where they are energized.
So to stay affair-proof, you have to find other sources of stimulation and excitement. For me, my blog is that outlet. I can't wait to log on each day to see what all of my dear readers have to say. When I get overwhelmed by the domestic chaos of our lives, Beyond Blue provides me that outlet where I can create something new, where I can run away, however temporarily, from the stress.

5. Hang Out with Happy Couples: If you're hanging with a bunch of guys (or girls) that see nothing wrong with sleeping around, you are much more likely to do it yourself. The good news is that the opposite is also true. If you have a set of friends committed to their marriages, you will be less likely to cheat on your spouse.

6. Learn How to Fight: Wait before saying something really ugly, and make sure you weren't tired or hungry, or in a stressful situation. I'm not saying that you can't confront your spouse if you're tired, hungry, or stressed, because then we'd live in a silent world. But, it's a good idea to recognize situations that tend to accelerate arguments.

7. Be Nice and Listen: "Duh," you're saying to yourself. But think about it. This is the hardest part about marriage. Listening. Keeping your mouth closed when the other person is talking.
In my conversations with men and women who have had affairs, the number one reason for pursuing the affair was this: "She listened to me. I mattered to him."

8. Remember These Tools: Never forget that you have a toolbox of resources to draw on when you feel tempted by an extramarital affair. Here are some tools offered to me by those healing from affairs, insights to keep in mind when you feel that familiar head rush and are tempted to abandon logic for a thrill:
Don't go there: Don't put yourself in a threatening situation. Skip the conference in Hawaii with the colleague who flirts with you. If you absolutely have to go, avoid all opportunities to be alone with him.
You've got mail: When you don't know if your email crosses the line into appropriate language, send it to yourself first.

Read it again, and ask yourself: would I feel comfortable showing this to my husband?
Dress with intentions: One woman told me that she saved her lingerie for her husband, and wore the ratty old underwear to the high-school reunion where she'd see a flame from the past.
Talk about your spouse: A guy friend told me that whenever he is alone with a woman he finds attractive and things are getting uncomfortable, he'll start talking about his wife--what her hobbies are, and how much he loves her. It immediately kills the mood.

buhay nga naman

OMG! As in oh my goodness. Eto na naman ako at adik na adik sa panonood ng mga telenovela, mapa pinovela, taiwanovela, koreanovela at ibat iba pang novela.
Ano nga bang maidudulot ng panonood ng mga ganito kundi eto ha, iisa isahin ko.
Una nagiging emosyonal, affected minsan at kung hindi naman eh parang nakaka-relate ka sa mga kwentong napapanood mo. Minsan nga ito pa ang pinagmumulan ng mga hindi pagkakaunawaan ng mga magsyota or magkaibigan o kahit mag-asawa. Dahil sa napanood ng babae na nangangaliwa kuno ung syota o asawa, ayun emote to the max na ang mga babae. Pero wag ka, hindi lang pala mga babae ang naadik sa mga ganitong panonood kundi mga kalalakihan din.
Pangalawa, maraming nagiging pabaya. Pabaya sa pag-aaral dahil sa kapapanood ng mga inaabangan na palabas. Pabaya sa mga gawaing bahay dahil imbes na magluto at mag ayos sa bahay eh ayun nakatutok sa telebisyon at konti na lng eh hindi na kukurap. Pabaya sa mga date, I mean dahil sa inaantabayanan na novela eh etse-pwera na ang mga kabiyak sa buhay o syota even mga kaibigan. Nakakawala din ba ito ng social life? Ewan natin. Pero ang alam ko darating din ang panahon na mananawa din ako.
Pero naisip nyo din ba kung anong magandang naidudulot ng sobrang pagiging adik sa mga novela na ito? Ikaw alam mo?
Share mo naman.

something to remind us

Taken from the letter of Jose W. Diokno from prison to his son (1974):

“Increasingly as you grow older, the values that you have learned from us, your parents, and from your Christian faith, will be called into question - by you or by others. Why be honest when it pays to dishonest? Why be fair to others when they are unfair to you? Why fight for others when they won’t fight for you – or even for themselves? Why think for yourself when it is easier to let others think for you? Why lead when it is less troublesome to obey? Why have principles when others don’t – and they often get away with it? Why be good when it seems so much more pleasant to be bad?

The answer, I think, is in what life means to you. If life means having good time, money, fame, power, security, then you don’t need principles; all you need are techniques. In fact, its better not to have principles; they would just get in your way. On the other hand, if life means more than those things, if happiness counts more than a good time, developing your talents more than developing wealth, respect more than fame, right more than power, and peace of soul more than security; if death doesn’t end life but transforms it; then you must be true to yourself and to your God, and to love and truth, good and beauty, and justice and freedom.

You will have to decide for yourself which of those things life means to you. Neither I nor anyone else can decide this for you. But perhaps this will help you decide; That even those who know they do wrong feel compelled to convince others - and eventually themselves - that they are doing right. So the man of greed often gives generously to charity; the megalomaniac poses as a messiah; the coward hides his fear under the mask of being realistic; and the guilty wash away their guilt, like Pilate, by washing their hands with the excuse that “It isn’t my choice” or “it isn’t my job” or “I can’t do anything about it.”

Why I Wouldn't Settle

I'm in my thirties and a victim of those rude questions as to why I'm not yet married, why I don't have a decent boyfriend to speak of, what the hell's wrong with me. But why force myself? If I don't feel it in my bones that I'm supposed to be with a guy, we surely wouldn't be. I mean, we could be "okay" together, and fine, we'll be friends. But if he can't get past my black nail polish or I don't dig his chain-smoking habit, there's zero chance for us to be more than pals. I'll get off at the next stop, thank you very much.
It doesn't even sound appealing, "settling down." It's not like you find the chair you are most comfortable with and then sit on it like a Lazy Boy. Is that what a relationship is? There might be some who'd say, why yes, that's exactly what a good relationship is. But I trust it's more than that. I need no Lazy Boy -- I want a rocking chair. Comfort is good, but I need Passion. I need Fire that will be stoked with an equal Fire of my own. Carrie Bradshaw couldn't have said it plainer to the Russian: I want a ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other Love. A tall order but hey, it's worth the wait.
It's not that I don't go out and meet guys. I do. I understand that I have to do my part of being -- what do you call it? -- "out there". Jeez, I've been out there for as long as I can remember. I enjoy and have fun hanging out with them. And I must admit that there are a couple of "prospective" blokes around, a few even quite perfect to be with, you know? Just not the one for me.
So what do I look for in a man, I've been asked countless times. None of your freakin' business, I've replied. But once and for all, here goes.. it's pretty simple, actually: I want someone who'll make my heart bounce. For the rest of my life.
No "honeymoon period" for us. I want a relationship with a honeymoon all throughout, right until our dying day. Is that too much to ask? Perhaps. But I'm stubborn as stubborn does. I just know that there's a guy who's capable to perpetually woo me even after we've had 3 children, 6 grandchildren, and 12 great grandchildren. And he need not worry for I shall as well accordingly respond to his courtship.
I never forgot what I read in one of my personal bibles (The Bridge Across Forever, Richard Bach, Dell Books). It went something, like, we must not settle for a lukewarm lover and mild happiness. For deep down we know that lukewarm will turn cold, and mild happiness will become a nameless sadness.
I certainly will try my darn best not to fall into such death trap. I agree that it's nice to have someone to share things with and all that. But if it were merely for the sake of having a boyfriend, let alone a husband -- I wouldn't be only fooling myself, but also be leading the poor guy on. Being selfish is purely human, but I'll take my chances. Besides, I'd rather be single and endure the tactless comments of relatives and old schoolmates, than be with someone who doesn't have the gift to good-naturedly suffer my querks.
And what would make my heart bounce? Aarr. Let that be the deliciously incandescent quality of the man. Really, if I have to give out instructions.. man, I'd rather kill myself.
So I sound a tad jaded. Big deal. Even my own best friends accuse me of being a.. commitment-phobe. Now, waitjustaneffingminute! What am I, a man? Heaven forbid. Please. I don't chicken out of engagements. I don't dangle my mate like a puppet. I don't string along.. oh alright. I don't mean to offend the opposite gender, considering my would-be significant other is part of the male specie. Come to think of it, I think these commitment-phobic people only seem that way because they simply haven't met their match, you know? And when they do, they'd just know it. Just the way I would, too. I don't jump into pseudo-relationships because of the sole but crystal clear reason that I'm holding out for The One. Yes, The One Who Will Make My Heart Bounce. Is that so hard to understand?
The ever cynical Janeane Garofalo reckons that there might be one person in the world for you, but you don't get to meet them. But there are some people who are good at making the person they're with the one. Not bad. But, who really knows, eh? I follow my own heart. Period. When it's time, it's time.
Listen, I am not made of stone, even if others around me think otherwise. I know that there is that one man who can take my many-times-broken heart and magically, effortlessly make it as whole and as bouncy as it could ever be. I confess that it's taking ages for me to find him (and him to find me) but it will all be worth it. I just don't want to end up with a prick, that's all.